ok... what shall I say...
Every fucking person that knows me, knows about my endless tries to quit smoking. Every time the magic words: 'Tomorrow I will stop smoking!!!' are leaving my mouth, people say: 'Yeah, yeah... again??!! But it's good that you do it. I wish you luck!'
2 days later they are mostly saying: 'I thought you stopped smoking??' and I answer: 'Yeah, yeah, BUT I already reduced it!'. 3 weeks later I'm already smoking my usual 1,5 - 2 packages of cigarettes per day again.
My boyfriend usually says: 'I hate when she is stopping smoking, because than she is even more a pain in the ass than normally!!!'
I mean, I fucking did it, for 3 fucking months, but what shall I say, the award cigaret after an exam in which I was able to cheat unbelievable good, wasn't the only reward I granted myself. I granted myself the reward for finishing the work, waiting for the train, going home, talking to my boyfriend on skype in a really uncomfortable chair at an unchristian hour and many more. Finally I admitted, that they were no rewards anymore...
So why do I want to stop?
Because I'm a fucking hypochondriac and smoking gives me more paranois than the normal life itself. AND very important, since I started smoking I have pimples, also in places that are not very erotic anymore since that pimples appeared. And I think there is a connection between smoking and pimples. Furthermore I have the feeling my teethridge is bleeding far too much and I'm really paranoid to get periodontosis and loose my teeth.
Also I got sometimes a very strange feeling in my voice box, like there would be something growing inside. CANCER!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, now, I'm sitting here, with my last package of lucky strike, which contains still 6 cigarettes and I have no idea, how I will survive tomorrow, and how pissed off my boyfriend will be at this time tomorrow. I'm not prepared in anyway, but maybe jumping into cold water is the best. Just not thinking about it, is the best.
